Self-doubt

Warning: Whiny blog post incoming.

I generally hate airing my grievances in public, or letting very many people know when I’m particularly sad. I’m also not really keen on letting this blog take a turn into Self-pity Alley and camp out in Whineville. That’s just not who I am. That being said, if I can’t whine on my own blog once in a while, then what’s the point, right? Anyway, you’ve been warned!

So, yesterday I had a complete mental break-down of the “self-doubt and despair” variety. I’ve been feeling a bit down lately, overwhelmed by school, then Hubby leaving, and general stress from living in a foreign country. Yesterday it all boiled over into a day of laying on the couch being miserable and watching a marathon of Scrubs. I’m talking irrational tears, spiraling thoughts centered on all the things I suck at, and irrational insecurities all fed by severe sleep deprivation. The works.

Oddly, today I feel thoroughly renewed and invigorated. I went to bed at a reasonable time and had a decent night’s sleep. I’ve wasted a little bit of time today procrastinating, but I finished one paper, have studied for my exam tomorrow, and started on the next paper. I’m always amazed at how after a bout of stress-induced despair, I always seem to bounce back and be more productive. Sometimes, a good cry is all I need to feel better.

Still, even though I feel much better and have been quite a bit more productive, the seeds of self-doubt are still there. They’re still hiding in the back of my mind, waiting until I’m distracted, stressed, and tired. Waiting to jump out and eat me alive again, like the carnivorous self-doubt plants that they are. The less I give them to eat, the less possible it is for them to grow and become unmanageable, but they’re no less carnivorous.

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